I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
