I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
