When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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