You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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