handjob tips. give me some.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
