I CAN MOONWALK!
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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