Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
