I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
