dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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