I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize