Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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