my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
