I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
