oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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