Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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