you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
