I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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