So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
