Can Purell be used as lube?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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