rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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