i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
