you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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