Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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