My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
