someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
