I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
