The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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