is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
