Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
