She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
