don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize