I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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