The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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