Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
