she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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