i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
