when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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