As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
