xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Terrible idea I love it
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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