Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
