why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
