Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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