Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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