Screwed.edu
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Randomize
