I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize