ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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