I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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