and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
