So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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