Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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