So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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