What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
