Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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