im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
