Define "chronic" masturbator.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
