i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
