so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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