Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You took a bar mat shot.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
