my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
